Thursday, July 17, 2008

Why you aren't attracting the women (or men) you really want...


“Hi Dylan,
Your book is FANTASTIC! I’ve been a pretty shy guy for most of my life, and I’m a little ashamed to admit that this is the first time I’ve ever really had an option with women. I’m 38, been divorced for 3 years, and just don’t like going out to bars. I was 100% dateless for a solid year before I tried online dating. I was lucky enough to find your book within the first month I started, otherwise I probably would have given up pretty quickly, so thank you!

I’m going on a steady 1 date per week, just because I don’t have time for more... I do get emails from about 4 or 5 new women a day, I just don’t have time to follow up on all of them. So, here’s my question... Since I’m short on time, how do I narrow down the specific qualities I want in a woman? I’ve made a list in my profile, but it hasn’t
changed anything.
Your advice is appreciated!”
-Harris C.
New Jersey


Harris! First, congratulations on success! Going from -0- women to 52 dates a year is excellent! Good work man!

Ok, forget what you’ve heard about writing lists from “The Secret” and other self-help stuff about attracting people... lists don’t work.

If anything, lists are going to kill the responses you are getting.

First, it’s going to turn off the people who don’t fit 100% of the categories on your list.
Second, it can make you look self-centered.
Third, no one ever... EVVVVER... reads a list and says “Hey, I’m exactly what he’s looking for, I’d better email him right away!” They are either interested in your profile or they aren’t, you list isn’t going to sway them one way or another.

Lists don’t magically attract your dream person.
So how DO you attract the person you want?

First, you need to forget about specific numbers.
28-32 years old?


Numbers are limiters, not attractors...
You must start thinking about your dream girl in terms of PERSONALITY and LIFESTYLE. This is easier to attract through an online dating profile, and arguably will find you a much better match.

Think of the ideal girl for you in terms of what type of personality you are attracted to. What traits do you seek the most? Sweet and shy? Fun and wild? Serious and dependable? Figure out what you want the most... and instead of saying that’s what you are looking for... TALK ABOUT THAT TRAIT IN YOURSELF.

Wait, how does that work?
Simple. People are attracted to that which they see in themselves.

You want to attract the wild, crazy, adventurous type? You’d better be talking about the wild, crazy, adventurous times you have...

You want a sporty, athletic, fit woman? You’re profile better have some good descriptions of all the sports you play and the time you put in at the gym...

You want a girl who is a challenge? Then challenge her in your profile.

Lifestyle follows the same rule, like attracts like. She is looking for a specific lifestyle, and in order to attract her, you need to present your lifestyle in the proper light.

Note: sorry you can’t lie about this one, as soon as she meets you in real life, it’s over... so no Ferraris & private jets to Monaco, ok? On the other hand, you can certainly play up the most attractive parts of your lifestyle and present them in the best light.

You want someone who loves to travel and see the world? Talk about the last three trips you took.

You want someone who is into comic books or sci-fi? Talk about the last convention you went to.

You want someone who skis or snowboards? Talk about you favorite mountain.

This process of writing about your own traits and experience to match those that you want to find in a woman, is called MIRRORING. It is the basics attracting a specific type of woman though online dating. This is of course a very quick introduction to it, you can find a much more detailed explanation in Online Casanova: For Men, including how to attract a specific look/shape of woman, women in certain careers, etc...

You know the website by now:

Happy dating!
Dylan Alexander

PS. Quickly about the “look” thing, while you can narrow it down, you’ll exclude so many other women who you might be attracted to. I suggest letting all women of any “look” contact you, and then sort through the ones you find most attractive. It’s simpler that way and leaves you with better options to choose from.